What's Your Parenting Style
There are many ideas about how to rear children. Some parents adopt
the ideas their own parents used. Others get advice from friends.
Some read books about parenting. Others take classes offered in the
community. No one has all the answers. However, psychologists and
other social scientists now know what parenting practices are most
effective and are more likely to lead to positive outcomes for children.
Ideas about child rearing can be grouped into three styles. These are
different ways of deciding who is responsible for what in a family.
Authoritarian
Authoritarian parents always try to be in control and exert their control
on the children. These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and
they usually do this without much expression of warmth and affection.
They attempt to set strict standards of conduct and are usually very
critical of children for not meeting those standards. They tell children
what to do, they try to make them obey and they usually do not
provide children with choices or options.
Authoritarian parents don’t explain why they want their children to do
things. If a child questions a rule or command, the parent might
answer, “Because I said so.” Parents tend to focus on bad behavior,
rather than positive behavior, and children are scolded or punished,
often harshly, for not following the rules.
Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for
themselves and understand why the parent is requiring certain
behaviors.
Permissive
Permissive parents give up most control to their children. Parents
make few, if any, rules, and the rules that they make are usually not
consistently enforced. They don’t want to be tied down to routines.
They want their children to feel free. They do not set clear boundaries
or expectations for their children’s behavior and tend to accept in a
warm and loving way, however the child behaves.
Permissive parents give children as many choices as possible, even
when the child is not capable of making good choices. They tend to
accept a child’s behavior, good or bad, and make no comment about
whether it is beneficial or not. They may feel unable to change
misbehavior, or they choose not to get involved.
Democratic or authoritative
Democratic parents help children learn to be responsible for
themselves and to think about the consequences of their behavior.
Parents do this by providing clear, reasonable expectations for their
children and explanations for why they expect their children to behave
in a particular manner. They monitor their children’s behavior to make
sure that they follow through on rules and expectations. They do this
in a warm and loving manner. They often, “try to catch their children
being good” and reinforcing the good behavior, rather than focusing on
the bad.
For example, a child who leaves her toys on a staircase may be told
not to do this because, “Someone could trip on them and get hurt and
the toy might be damaged.” As children mature, parents involve
children in making rules and doing chores: “Who will mop the kitchen
floor, and who will carry out the trash?”
Parents who have a democratic style give choices based on a child’s
ability. For a toddler, the choice may be “red shirt or striped shirt?” For
an older child, the choice might be “apple, orange or banana?” Parents
guide children’s behavior by teaching, not punishing. “You threw your
truck at Mindy. That hurt her. We’re putting your truck away until you
can play with it safely.”
Which is your style?
Maybe you are somewhere in between. Think about what you want
your children to learn. Research on children’s development shows that
the most positive outcomes for children occur when parents use
democratic styles. Children with permissive parents tend to be
aggressive and act out, while children with authoritarian parents tend
to be compliant and submissive and have low self-esteem. No parenting style will work unless you build a loving bond with your
child.
